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<zienna> I'M OOOOOLD!

I'm 21 nao, all grown up (which I don't want to) and adult(erous, hurr!) My birfday was alot of fun, even though my party kinda fell into the water- Ahm, snow, more like. Over half of my guest couldn't come due to the weather, so I'm throwing a party 2.0 (I'm a geek) next monday! I partied (which means: we decorated the house, baked cakes and watched disney movies until deep in the night) with (in order of appearance) `anmari, *Zandaa, *marbels, ~deesli and =SuicideCow, I'm expecting ~RAIC, ~Obi-Tim, :~Ronjana, ~Djavo and a few others at the second edition!

I originally planned an Alice in Wonderland-esque tea party anyway, but we had alot of cake and pie left (and muffins, mmm, muffins!) Second edition will be celebrated in the pub, methinks.

My gifts for birfday and christmas were pretty epic anyway. I already got a samurai umbrella from ThinkGeek (suicidecow), a behind-the-scenes book from Wicked (anmari and zandaa), alot of pictures from last halloween (anmari), a huuuge candy basket (anmari too, I think she's trying to get me fat!) and the Wicked soundtrack (marbels and deesli)! Love you guys for all that!

Really curious as to what the rest got me...

Thanks for all the congratulations for my old-woman-ness on my DA and facebook-pages too.

<zienna> So about the snow... There's snoooow! This is the first white christmas I'll be having since ages (I think my last was when I was 4 years old!) so I'm still a little excited. Obviously a lot less excited then when it just started snowing, with no one being able to board a train to mah party... At least it's a special christmas though. The house is very christmas-y with miniature trees and miniature balls (BAWLZ!) and coloured lights and glitter and sparkles _{and little pieces of dead Edward scattered around the kitchen}!

<zienna> So MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you! Don't forget to spread the christmas spirit by giving the 2-for-1 priced subs and gifts (I've been on a sub-giving spree as extra christmas presents). Don't get hurt by fireworks and explode because you're eating too much, eh?

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Author

*Zienna ^{* Dying to live since 1988* dAmn Addict}

DA family

*Zandaa ^{* Brother/son* Digital Artist}

*marbels ^{* Daughter* General Addict}

=SuicideCow ^{* Bitch* Antagonist}

Groups

#Dutchfever ^{Your local Dutch community#Dutchfever!}

#europeans ^{Because Europe deserves some loving too#europe}

Featured Deviants

=SuicideCow

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<zienna> So I'm all into the being social lately, making heaps of new friends and reconnecting with the old ones. The devmeets really do help in that regard!

Talking about devmeets, the last one, on halloween, was made of AWESOME, with a small sidedish of WIN, served with a gallon of laughter. I had a great time with `anmari (who came to visit us in Amsterdam all the way from France!),~Zandaa, =SuicideCow, =Anoya, ~FTography and ~QwakQwak! I'm hoping for a repeat performance quite soon, if only because the pub was just too much fun: wicked music, wicked nacho's and a very Wicked me - dressed up in green as Wicked witch of the West! Even the waiters were dressed up, which was good fun too. I still adore zombie-waiter's costume.

For a better re-telling of the day check Ana's journal about her weekend in Amsterdam. She's got a few pictures up!

<zienna> Now to the topic: I haven't been very productive lately (Orly? Ya rly!) and I'm trying to change that bit by bit. I have to admit I'm having a great time ever since meeting up with ^{the cow} Anmari and I'm feeling all the better about it. And a better-feeling me will hopefully result in a more-productive me, since I won't waste my time with being depressed in corners! (I need a round room, maybe a tower. One, that would plain ROCK. Two, no more corners.)

I've told myself I'll start writing again soon (re-writing, in this case. I'm already going through my gallery to delete shite and buff up the jewels, but more about that later) and maybe drawing. I still need to get Adobe going, but I'm itching to vector ^{a cow} something!

<zienna> Next to that I think I'm finally growing old. I've been having these "wise" moods lately in which epiphany after epiphany likes to hit me in the face. I don't mind, really, if only they didn't hit so hard. I've come to think of them as rather mean. Maybe it's parallel to my mindset at the moment and my re-reading of old things I wrote... It's hard to be depressed or even feel bad when you're, well, laughing.

I'll throw in some excerpts for the hell off it, lines I'm still proud off or like. Give a short description of how it shows me I changed so much in just a few short years. I did delete the deviations though. See this as an analysis and as a goodbye to the pieces that are too unlike me to survive the cuts.

<sub>I'm nervous
stomach tight in anticipation
waiting for you
I don't know
whether to be scared or trust you
guess I have no choice
can't say you
forced me into things I wanted
I'm stuck with no way out
but I trust you to
keep me alive and save me
from myself
causing havoc
everywhere I go I bring destruction
I'm sorry
Untitled piece; uploaded january 2006; written long, long before that... Looking back at this, this doesn't seem to be me. I'm not even sure I wrote this or "someone else", an intruder in my mind... I guess I felt very insecure at that point in life. I still feel sorry for my mistakes and faults, but I'm not haughty enough to think I bring destruction where ever I go anymore.

hear the soundwaves crashing down on the shores of Desolate Beach
foam breaking on the rocks to pieces like the very soul of me
essence breaking, attempts flying and I never quite succeed
fail every mission I once set me, never had one to complete
[...]
bind me, hold me, find me, cold feel, save me, save me, never leave me
Soundwaves; uploaded april 2006; date written unknown. Yes, I was very much afraid of everything. Very much afraid of things to do and not being able to do things and not having anything to do. Very afraid of not having anyone to cling to, very afraid of being caged and of not having anyone at all. I still live with that kind of strange views, I guess... It's confronting.

girl, just what are you doing
girl, just who do you think you are
girl, you've got to stop dreaming
so wake up
she said: girl, get your head out of the past
girl, look into the future
girl, rub that shit out of your eyes
now you can't see where you're going
Girl, wake up; Uploaded january 2006; written january 2006. I remember updating this immediately and writing it online instead of on paper. Maybe you could call it one of those epiphany's (though badly written!). It's unbelievable I wrote it down so long ago and just... ignored it. Which is silly and stupid of me.

it's just like a dreamlike fantasy
a lifetime worth of therapy
my own re-created insanity
with coke, heroin, xtc
chose myself a brand new reality
all I wish me to be
[...]
don't try to free or save me
I made the shackles all by myself
Brand new reality; uploaded june 2006; written june 2006. The only thing I've got to say about this is, well, it's been tempting - but I'm glad I didn't do it.

if love's an obsession, then where did it go wrong
I just wanted to know what being in love should feel like
now like a child I throw around tantrums like they're Frisbee's
surprised to get them back
surprised the world's still there
Remember; uploaded july 2006; written june/july 2006. The strange thing here, or rather, my lesson learned, is that I'm describing a pit. I'm describing myself as obsessed, clingy, unstable and apparently depressed and thinking myself sad and alone in this world. I now know I'm not... But, the date irks me. 2006 was before the last time I fell into that trap. I guess I'm a slow learner and realizing things bit by bit, time and time again. (Yes, I officially suck.)</sub>

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Author

=Zienna ^{* Dying to live since 1988* dAmn Addict}

DA family

~Zandaa ^{* Brother/son* Digital Artist}

*marbels ^{* Daughter* General Addict}

Clubs And Groups

*Dutchfever ^{Your local Dutch community#Dutchfever!}

#europeans ^{Because Europe deserves some loving too#europe}

Featured Deviants

*GooFE

*Nijn88

~RAIC

=Zienna on #journal

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<zienna> Enough with the emo-ing, I feel relatively better. Not quite fine yet, but that's being taken care off. I'm going back into the system and I'm a little scared... The system hasn't been very nice for me as off yet. Oh well. I'm hoping it will be more helpful then a few years ago.

<zienna> Another reason I feel better is all the meets going on this week! I've had a great time and I don't regret a second! (Well, I regret seconds, but more how I spend them because I didn't have that many Could've spend them cuddling, for example! )

First we had the *Dutchfever meeting on monday, in Arnhem. We met up at the station and monkeyed around for a bit first. It was fun because I've know most of the guys coming for ages. I've kind of not payed attention to everyone over the last few years, being in a demanding relationship, and seeing everyone after 2 years felt like a reunion.



There's some more pictures here: [link]

I did expect a lot more people tho! From the 16 that signed up only 9 came, but it was still great. 4 newbies among those, so we did win a few souls. We had a (very cold!) picnic in the park and we walked around there for a bit, watching the deer and skipping under the waterfall. ~RAIC decided to give a poi demonstration half-way through the picnic, which was impressive! I love watching him play with his balls.


In the evening we went for the grouppic and watched ~RAIC play with his balls some more, but this time they were on fire! I don't know about you guys, but balls of fire just seem pretty much epic to me.

<zienna> Then there was the meet in Utrecht from last saturday! I think it was a #europeans-meet, but there was advertising for it all around. I had alot of fun, mainly because I finally got to see *marbels and her friends! I've been looking forward to meeting her for ages now, so I was major excited about seeing her! And *codeboy was there to annoy, which is always a good thing. I got to see ~Zandaa, my wittle bitty baby brother for the 3rd time this week too (and he still doesn't bore me. Ah, friends, wonderful beings. ). All in all, we had a good group.



We actually did the scavenger hunt they assigned us (in the rain, silly us) instead of just hanging out in some café and drink ourselves silly like `Norke and =Anoya's groups did. You alcoholics! We all lost touch after the hunt too, I wish we would've gone for drinks after the grouppic (which I haven't got yet, so no thumb)... Instead my little group went for Burger King happy meals (well, I did, *marbels was strangely excited when she got the toy...) and then Starbucks. Starbucks rules, fyi. Expensive, but tasty.

The best part of the day was that I was already in Halloween drag, dressed as Elphaba, the Wicked witch of the West from Oz. Meaning: I was green. I got a lot of stares, pointing little kids, people that asked me why the beep I was GREEN (even people that worked for the railroads )... Some thought it was some kind of political statement against racism or that I was heading for a party. There was a squatters demonstration for something on the same day, so maybe that's why a simple "Halloween" didn't pop up?

I didn't get many evil eyes, there was just one girl the whole day who hit my hat to make it fall off, but she didn't even see me being green yet. I must say I got a lot more strange stares on the way home, I guess they're less friendly in this part of the country.

Definitely making this a repeat performance though. At least for next saturday, when it IS Halloween! I'll be meeting up with the sexy `anmari, who sadly couldn't make it last saturday due to school. I'm looking forward to seeing her in Amsterdam on my 3rd meet of this month!

I love devmeets.

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Author

=Zienna ^{* Dying to live since 1988* dAmn Addict}

DA family

~Zandaa ^{* Brother/son* Digital Artist}

*marbels ^{* Daughter* General Addict}

Clubs And Groups

*Dutchfever ^{Your local Dutch community#Dutchfever!}

#europeans ^{Because Europe deserves some loving too#europe}

Featured Deviants

*GooFE

*Nijn88

~RAIC

=Zienna on #journal

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<zienna> I don't feel so well. Actually, I haven't been feeling very well for a long time. There's been some confusion. Alot of frustration. Some testing and some possible answers.

I found out life is not like math. Well, in a way it is, since I fail at both, but with math, there's only one answer. In life, there's several. Chance dictates we're not going to like every one of them.

I'm sorry if in the past few days or the days to come, I'll be bitchy. I'm sorry for ranting at you, being mad or extremely sad or depressed for no reason. I'm sorry if I have no patience with your problems and only want to talk about mine. I know it's not very nice of me. I know I don't have the right to.

Right now, I don't feel like life likes me. This translates in all of you not liking me very much either. And I know there will be several comments on this journal going "aww, don't be like that, it'll be okay!", but I don't think it will. I can't even explain what's really going on, because I'm scared of driving you all away.

I feel like an idiot. A very much angered, frustrated, sad and emo little furball yapping away at the world. Or in this case, the chat.

I wouldn't know what to do without you guys. Thanks for being as lifeless as I am (not literally, I hope) and hanging out with me. Shared sorrow is a lesser sorrow.

...Sweet Mother Nature seems to agree, it's screaming bloody hell out there with that storm!

</emo>

/raw

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<zienna> Now to cheer myself up I will attempt to do a quiz and not cry. Cheer me on, folks! If you don't like it, blame *marbels, who is, because I'm a lazy bum and didn't do the quiz last month, this journal's featured deviant.

Look at the sidebar! I like my new lay-out, even though it's stole since the plan I had failed me big time. Yeah. I fail so hard. Also, I still need to feature some other folks from a while back. Yeah.

Anyway, the quiz!

1.This survey gets a little personal; can you handle it?
I agree with *marbels, I'm devart-trained. Besides, you really don't want to know that much from me.

2. If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?
*codeboy, what's your last name?

3. Were you happy when you woke up today?
I felt crap and it hasn't gotten much better in the course of the day, actually.

4. When were you on the phone last? And with who?
My mum, a few days ago, checking which Pink Ribbon goodies she wanted me to get for her. She collects them.

7. What are you excited for?
I was quite excited about tomorrow, but since there's nothing tomorrow as I hoped, I'll go for the end of the world series of 3 devmeets that I'm attending, for *Dutchfever, =dAmnBelgians and #europeans.

8. What were you doing yesterday?
Being a lazy bum, feeling bad, playing sims so I could kill someone without being arrested, meeting my ex in the evening to see District 9 in the cinema. It was a good movie.

9. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you they love you?
Must've been my ex, I think?

10. What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
A cucumber, baby!

11. Have a best friend?
I have no friends, in theory. I do have a good few aquintances who I get along with nicely.

12. Are you scared to fall in love?
No. But I'm scared to be alone or turned down.

13. Do you think teenagers can be in love?
I think they can have a crush, at least. The rest depends on their mental state and stage of development.

14. Last person you wanted to punch in the face?
*codeboy.

15. What time is it right this second?
20:14, my laptop doesn't give me seconds.

16. What do you want right now?
A hug, to sleep, to cry, someone to hold, someone to love, some peace and quiet.

17. Who was the last person you took a picture with?
I think it was a guy in monkey suit.

18. Are you single/taken/heartbroken?
Heartbroken.

19. When was the last time you cried?
Right now.

20. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
No, that would be incest, a thing frowned upon in today's society.

21. Do you find it hard to trust others?
Yes. I always tell people parts so they have no ground to judge on.

22. How fast does your mind change?
The human mind gets about 7000 impulses per second. We only use 4 of those. How quick do you think your mind changes?

23. I bet you miss somebody right now?
How did you guess.

24. Can you honestly say you're okay right now?
No. But I wasn't aware I was even pretending to be okay.

25. Why do you think so many people cheat?
Survival. Kicks. Excitement. Plain being-a-fucking-bastard-ness.

26. Tell me what's on your mind?
Alot. You don't really want to know.

27. What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
The upcoming 3 devmeets, as mentioned earlier. I'll be seeing/meeting some people tere I haven't seen in awhile/ever/miss horribly.

28. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
Yes. I used to steal my brother's clothes. He never stole mine back.

29. When did you last talk to your number 1 top friend?
As stated previously, I have no friends, just aquintances.

30. When is your next road trip?
Not planned and never been on one. I might, sometime in the future, when I find the right company.

31. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell anything to?
Yes.

32. How's your heart?
Rather cold and safely ducttaped together.

33. Have you ever felt like you weren't important?
Yes.

34. Do you think somebody's in love with you?
I hoped so.

35. What are you planning on doing after this?
Continue bitching and emo-ing all over the chat, I think.

36. Next time you will kiss someone?
Depends in what manner. I only plan to give out Kisses of Death in the near future.

37. Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Not in such many words, but I think the message got through.

38. Who do you not get along with?
My brother, parents, granma. The dog. Trolls.

39. what does you 3rd recent text say?
"Over 15 minuten? "

40. What are you wearing right now?
Top to bottom: black dress-shirt, black monkey "kiss my arse"-print tanktop, black bra, blue polka dot grannypanties, red skinnies, Snoopy slippers.

41. You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, how is it?
We'll fight, cry, fight, I'll try to strangle them to death and I'll cry, scream and accuse some more. Then I hope to have him on such a guilttrip I'll get some cuddles and maybe a kiss-those-tears-away kinda kiss.

42. When's the last time you had a grilled cheese?
Today.

43. What's your fave boy and girl name right now?
Boy: Nathaniël (I fully agree with *marbels on that one) or Aidan, Girl: Emma.

44. How did you feel when you woke up?
I believe this question has already been asked. I felt like shit.

45. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now?
Yes. But they won't.

46. Do you crack your knuckles?
Nope, the sound scares me.

47. What were you doing yesterday at midnight?
Being online, thinking I was doing something good with telling certain people certain things.

48. What are your LEGAL initials?
J.S.N. (See where my name Josefine comes from? My present for my 21st birthday is getting it legally changed.)

49. Whose the first B in your contacts?
Bart B., a classmate.

50. When was the last time you laughed really hard?
Last tuesday during class. We had to interview each other and take notes on body language, our group ended up acting like monkeys. Then we got told off by the teacher.

51. Your number 1 top friend walks out of your life, do you go after them?
In the theoretic idea I would have friends: yes, I certainly would.

52. Last awkward moment?
All of yesterday night with my ex, besides the movie.

53. Are you afraid of the dark?
Only when it's during daytime.

54. Do you have good vision?
No, I'm about blind without my glasses.

55. Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Yes. To quote Harry Potter: "It was wet."

56. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yes. I'm an inherently violent person. But the last person must've been the dog when he jumped on my bed, which he isn't allowed to.

57. Are you Irish?
I would like to be a leprechaun. And pubs are better then bars.

58. Do you use chapstick?
I have no one to kiss, so I don't bother.

59. Do you have any scars?
I'm accident-prone, so I've got alot. The largests are on my hip, my knees and my legs.

60. Is there someone you will never forgive?
I've sworn to never forgive someone before, but as they say: forgive and forget. My memory dictactes it usually goes the other way around.

61.Are you dating the person you last held hands with?
I'm single, so no.

62. Name the last person to text you?
Yannick.

63. Would you marry someone 8 years older than you?
Why wouldn't I?

64. Can you go in public looking like you do?
I might have to lose the Snoopy slippers, they're not water-proof and it's storming like hell outside.

65. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a J?
My ex. Both our names start with "Jo".

66. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Depends on what mood I'm in. Which is strange, since I own a one person bed.

67. What's the first thing you'll do on your wedding day?
Depends when the day starts. At midnight, I will still be awake. If it counts from the moment I wake up, my first act will be waking up.

68. What’s one huge pet peeve?
Being lied to while it's obvious.

69. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
Yes. It was awkward.

70. Do you miss the way things used to be?
Always. A human memory is a faulty thing, we only remember the good things and even those we edit to fit our current moods and needs. The past always seems brighter.

71. Has anyone ever told you they're in love with you?
I've had 3 loves and 1 like till now.

72. Song you're thinking of right now?
Bittersweet Symphony.

73. Want someone back in your life?
Someone I haven't "lost" in the sense of losing complete contact, but would like to talk to more: ~Lute-Chan.

74. Will tomorrow be better than today?
I bloody well hope so!

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Author

=Zienna ^{* Dying to live since 1988* dAmn Addict}

DA family

~Zandaa ^{* Brother/son* Digital Artist}

*marbels ^{* Daughter* General Addict}

Advertising Space

Stamps!

Clubs And Groups

*Dutchfever ^{Your local Dutch community#Dutchfever!}

#europeans ^{Because Europe deserves some loving too#europe}

Featured Deviants

*marbels

*Dutchfever

=Zienna on #journal

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<zienna> So I herd yu liek the hp dv7 2160?

<zienna> So my broken down laptop wasn't just the fault of a crashed harddisk, it was a burned up motherboard -_- Which was a 0,1% chance. Just my luck... So I went out and bought me a new one! Which wasn't all that great, since I stopped working last March and didn't get a summer job either, so now I'm pretty much broke and worrying if I can even pay off the first term of college moneys.

Talking the parentals into giving me anything won't work either, since they used all THEIR money in the buying of new furniture and the moving last month...

<zienna> Now I've got the time (with having less classes) I've been wandering into the tutorial-realm again. My special interest is (still) vector, but I want to try my hand at vexel too... I tried paintings in PS too, but I suck at that .

It's mostly preparing a portfolio for an intership for (hopefully! If I finish all classes on time) this february! I already got alot of vector-work, but it's fun D: And it shows I'm awesomesauce when it comes to working with Illustrator. I want to try vectoring in flash too. I found a nice tutorial and it shouldn't be all that different from AI, should it?

I want to vector cows, for some silly reason.

Anyway, all help and hints and tips are welcome!

<zienna> On an endnote, this will be my last journal with this css It bores me now. Also, it doesn't seem to be working half the time. I want everything in 1 style, with the blue lolita. I already edited my twitter and hyves (the Dutch Facebooks) to match, so it's high time my DA was part of the united front. Soooo I'll be working on that the coming days.

I think I'll make a new ID too, maybe vector myself! Goodness knows I can use the practice *facepalm*

<zienna> PS. Sowwy I didn't do the quiz yet *marbels!

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Author

=Zienna ^{* Dying to live since 1988* dAmn Addict}

Featured Deviants

*marbels

Advertising Space

Clubs!

Stamps!

=Zienna on #journal