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<zienna> So I'm all into the being social lately, making heaps of new friends and reconnecting with the old ones. The devmeets really do help in that regard!

Talking about devmeets, the last one, on halloween, was made of AWESOME, with a small sidedish of WIN, served with a gallon of laughter. I had a great time with `anmari (who came to visit us in Amsterdam all the way from France!),~Zandaa, =SuicideCow, =Anoya, ~FTography and ~QwakQwak! I'm hoping for a repeat performance quite soon, if only because the pub was just too much fun: wicked music, wicked nacho's and a very Wicked me - dressed up in green as Wicked witch of the West! Even the waiters were dressed up, which was good fun too. I still adore zombie-waiter's costume.

For a better re-telling of the day check Ana's journal about her weekend in Amsterdam. She's got a few pictures up!

<zienna> Now to the topic: I haven't been very productive lately (Orly? Ya rly!) and I'm trying to change that bit by bit. I have to admit I'm having a great time ever since meeting up with ^{the cow} Anmari and I'm feeling all the better about it. And a better-feeling me will hopefully result in a more-productive me, since I won't waste my time with being depressed in corners! (I need a round room, maybe a tower. One, that would plain ROCK. Two, no more corners.)

I've told myself I'll start writing again soon (re-writing, in this case. I'm already going through my gallery to delete shite and buff up the jewels, but more about that later) and maybe drawing. I still need to get Adobe going, but I'm itching to vector ^{a cow} something!

<zienna> Next to that I think I'm finally growing old. I've been having these "wise" moods lately in which epiphany after epiphany likes to hit me in the face. I don't mind, really, if only they didn't hit so hard. I've come to think of them as rather mean. Maybe it's parallel to my mindset at the moment and my re-reading of old things I wrote... It's hard to be depressed or even feel bad when you're, well, laughing.

I'll throw in some excerpts for the hell off it, lines I'm still proud off or like. Give a short description of how it shows me I changed so much in just a few short years. I did delete the deviations though. See this as an analysis and as a goodbye to the pieces that are too unlike me to survive the cuts.

<sub>I'm nervous
stomach tight in anticipation
waiting for you
I don't know
whether to be scared or trust you
guess I have no choice
can't say you
forced me into things I wanted
I'm stuck with no way out
but I trust you to
keep me alive and save me
from myself
causing havoc
everywhere I go I bring destruction
I'm sorry
Untitled piece; uploaded january 2006; written long, long before that... Looking back at this, this doesn't seem to be me. I'm not even sure I wrote this or "someone else", an intruder in my mind... I guess I felt very insecure at that point in life. I still feel sorry for my mistakes and faults, but I'm not haughty enough to think I bring destruction where ever I go anymore.

hear the soundwaves crashing down on the shores of Desolate Beach
foam breaking on the rocks to pieces like the very soul of me
essence breaking, attempts flying and I never quite succeed
fail every mission I once set me, never had one to complete
[...]
bind me, hold me, find me, cold feel, save me, save me, never leave me
Soundwaves; uploaded april 2006; date written unknown. Yes, I was very much afraid of everything. Very much afraid of things to do and not being able to do things and not having anything to do. Very afraid of not having anyone to cling to, very afraid of being caged and of not having anyone at all. I still live with that kind of strange views, I guess... It's confronting.

girl, just what are you doing
girl, just who do you think you are
girl, you've got to stop dreaming
so wake up
she said: girl, get your head out of the past
girl, look into the future
girl, rub that shit out of your eyes
now you can't see where you're going
Girl, wake up; Uploaded january 2006; written january 2006. I remember updating this immediately and writing it online instead of on paper. Maybe you could call it one of those epiphany's (though badly written!). It's unbelievable I wrote it down so long ago and just... ignored it. Which is silly and stupid of me.

it's just like a dreamlike fantasy
a lifetime worth of therapy
my own re-created insanity
with coke, heroin, xtc
chose myself a brand new reality
all I wish me to be
[...]
don't try to free or save me
I made the shackles all by myself
Brand new reality; uploaded june 2006; written june 2006. The only thing I've got to say about this is, well, it's been tempting - but I'm glad I didn't do it.

if love's an obsession, then where did it go wrong
I just wanted to know what being in love should feel like
now like a child I throw around tantrums like they're Frisbee's
surprised to get them back
surprised the world's still there
Remember; uploaded july 2006; written june/july 2006. The strange thing here, or rather, my lesson learned, is that I'm describing a pit. I'm describing myself as obsessed, clingy, unstable and apparently depressed and thinking myself sad and alone in this world. I now know I'm not... But, the date irks me. 2006 was before the last time I fell into that trap. I guess I'm a slow learner and realizing things bit by bit, time and time again. (Yes, I officially suck.)</sub>

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